found this shit in one of my notebook lol

(I was going through my notebooks when a paper slid away, this is what's written on that paper. can't remember when did I wrote this but surely it was one rageful heart broken moment. with one specific person. Now that I think about it, he doesn't even worth a penny.)



oh how i miss those sweet nothings you whispered into my ears, you piece of shit.

what did I do? what have I done so that we had to meet?

how come I still missing your smile and laughter after all you've done to me, you son of a bitch?

I miss the way you're bitching up about my clothes, my messy make up.

oh  weird mixture of your sweat, perfume and the smell of cigarette smoke.

I miss the way you call me with weird names. the names you made up yourself just to tease me. I miss you, crazy ass!

I miss how you take my hands and drag me around you bastard!

I miss how you kiss my forehead with that crazy sexy lips of yours!

I freaking miss arguing with you! Yelling to each other like cavemen and ended up hugging each other so tight!

(A bit cheesy , I know, but still... I wrote this when I was angry, so...)

Life as a Journey

hi fellas! long time no write


so last night i had a 'daddy-daughter' moment with my dad. we talked about a lot of things, included my trips to some places with my friends from Couchsurfing.

i told him how fun it was to have friends from a different countries. also just how fun the trip was.

out of the blue, my dad asked me "what did you get from your journey, dear?"

"aside from the fun? well, i get to compare the differences in our culture, learned a thing or two about their habits. why dad?"

"well, i was hoping for a better answer"
"okay. so what am i supposed to say?"
"i was hoping that you'll say that you finally gets to see life as a journey"
"what?"
"yeah, you've done a trip with your friends, right? how was it? fun, fun, fun. right? but along the way, is it really smooth? no nerve wrecking moments or bumpy roads you had to take?"
"yeah, bumpy roads, you bet. plenty of those, i can tell you. and nerve wrecking moment, yeah i guess."
"you expected your trip to be fun, even before you went on it. did you expect the bumpy roads? or the 'oh shit' moments?"
"not really"
"in the end, does it really matter? the bumpy roads you had to take?"
"hell no. it was sooo fun i just can't remember that bumpy part."
"so you're happy that you went on that trip, right?"
"abso-freaking-lutely"

"that's how you have to look at your life, dear. just keep in your mind, that your life ahead is gonna be wonderful, it's gonna be fun. so when you have to face any troubles, you'll just go through that because what you have in mind is not how hard the trouble is but how wonderful life is. in the end, happiness is all that matter, right?"

"so life will turn out as we expect it to be?"
"eventually, yes. it's just a matter of point of view, dear. and wisdom."
"i just don't know if i can ever be wise enough."
"yes you can, you're my daughter. you can do almost anything. don't let anyone tell you the otherwise"


sometimes, light convos with my dad leads to some meaningful talks like this one.
i'm so glad, blessed to have my dad.

sombong

WARNING!!
post ini khusus yg beragama Islam. Yg beragama lain, maupun yg tidak beragama tidak dianjurkan untuk membaca.

halo sodara sodara se-agama,
beberapa waktu yg lalu saya bertengkar dengan Kyai Abal Abal.

jadi saya iseng iseng bertandang kerumah teman papa, beliau bilang sih pelaku ma'rifat gitu lah.

Ma'rifat itu semacam tingkatan pembelajaran agama Islam. kalo ngga salah urutannya Syariat, Tarikat, Hakikat, dan Ma'rifat.

nah, Ma'rifat ini yg tertinggi. katanya sih kalo berdoa pasti di Ijabah/ dikabulkan. sebab, sudah sangat dekat dengan Allah. mesra gituuu hehe.

nah teman papa ini, bertahun-tahun belajar agama Islam. tapi anehnya, beliau kadang meninggalkan Shalat! beliau bilang sudah tidak perlu lagi Shalat 5 waktu begitu. aneh! Shalat kan tiang agama boss???

trus lanjut lah kita ngobrol, beliau bercerita soal perjalanan dia mencapai Ma'rifatullah. doi belajar bertahun-tahun dan udah dalem banget soal agama Islam. kita ngobrol ngalor ngidul, tau tau kita bahas soal orang Sholeh.

saya ditanya, "dek Hira mau jodoh yg bagaimana?". saya jawab, "yang Sholeh aja, Oom." beliau tanya lagi, "orang Sholeh itu yg bagaimana dek?". "kan ada ciri-cirinya, Oom. saya pernah baca. yg pasti orang Sholeh hidupnya tenang, matinya gampang, surganya dipastikan. saya pingin diseret ke surga." jawab saya.

kemudian beliau menjelaskan, bahwa orang sholeh itu orang yg beramal sholeh. oke, logis. saya nanya dong, amal sholeh tuh yg seperti apa? eh, beliau jawabnya begini:

"amal sholeh itu amal yg dilakukan orang sholeh."

eh halo! penjelasan macam itu anak TK juga bisa, men!

saya kejar penjelasan beliau, saya desak untuk jawab amal sholeh itu yg seperti apa. jawaban beliau tetap sama. saya emosi dong. saya ajak debat sekalian.

"Om, maaf aja ya. kalo penjelasan sprti itu saya juga bisa. orang jahat itu yg melakukan perbuatan jahat. perbuatan jahat, itu dilakukan oleh orang jahat. tapi jahat itu kan relatif, siapa yang bisa menilai? jangan bilang Allahu'alam. kalo itu saya udah tau. Tapi Allah sudah menjelaskan pada kita perbuatan-perbuatan yg mendzalimi orang lain, itu termasuk jahat. jadi kita tahu pasti perbuatan yg harus kita hindari. lah penjelasan om serba ambigu."

beliau diam aja. saya kesal dong, ngakunya pelaku Ma'rifat, jawab pertanyaan saya yg belajar Syariat aja ngga bisa!

yang saya pelajari hari itu, mulut manusia tuh banyak riya' nya. kita ngga boleh sombong, men. kamu boleh anggap kamu pintar, tapi diatas langit masih ada langit.
boleh kamu berilmu, tapi harus diimbangi sama kerendahan hati, kelapangan dada.

seperti kata papa:

"Biarpun kamu pintar, punya ilmu, jangan pernah merasa penuh dengan ilmu. kamu tidak akan bisa belajar hal yg baru, karena wadahmu penuh. lapangkan dada, buka telinga, serap yg baik baik saja. lebarkan wadahmu selebar-lebarnya, kamu tidak tahu hari ini akan dapat pelajaran apa. jadilah peka."


Tsaaaahhhh! 

sesal

menatap seraut wajah,
nafasmu tercekat, lidahmu kelu
gusar benar, gundah resah
biar saja kamu ingin menangis pilu
semua salahmu!

kamu bilang siap lara
sekarang, bicara hati saja
apa dirasa?
tentu tiada mampu kamu bicara
hilang! hilang bingar suaramu.

kamu, sedari awal bilang cinta tak harus memiliki
tahukah?
itu balada orang patah hati!
kamu sudah tahu akan melara jiwa!
mengapa masih diteruskan, bodoh!

saat ini mau apa?
hanya bisa terpekur, kemudian melantur!
melihat dia saja kamu rikuh
sangkakan dia benci jumpa kamu
hanya bisa menerka nerka

maumu apa? kembali ke momen simalakama?
saat kamu bahagia dan berduka bersamaan?
saat kamu bohongi nurani, demi nyaman pelukan?

luka hatimu, goresanmu sendiri!
tahu rasa!

as a bookworm, i feel...

why.do.i.always.end.up.reading.crappy.books??

the covers are so cool. i thought it'd be good. turns out, those are bunch of shits!!!

sometimes there are books that have those pretty covers, nice prologues, and getting weird after the first two books.

and there are times when the stories are too unreal to bear. also the honest ones that are too boring to read.

but frankly, those books attracted me, tricked me into buying or (illegaly) downloading them. and makes me regret it later.

can you imagine that? lured by books.

God, i'm so weird. 

Oh me...

hey 'sup?
look, i've just found out that we can actually ATTRACT WEALTH AND LOVE!! how awesome is that????
superb!!

so my friend told me about the pyg+!@*%&- theory or whatever, and the law of attraction.
and he told me that he has this subliminal something that can attract wealth and love. based on the law of attraction. nice, huh?

so i copied these subliminal thingies from his computer and i read the instruction, which is pretty simple:
first, listen to it in a relaxing situation. okay, so you have to be relax, but dont doze off.
second, think about the amount of money you'd like to have.
visualize that in your mind.
simple, eh?

no. not simple. easier said than done.

i cant get myself to relax!!! i feel anxious!! and the music is creepy, i get goosebumps.

how can i relax when i'm scared?
call me a coward, but seriously, it scares the shit out of me.

oh me...

Parents = Major Troubles (?)

God, i'm starting my day with writing such heavy topic, but whatever....

so, i have this friend, a guy who runs away from his house. guess why? yea, he had a fight with his mother.

not a major surprise.

always the same matters:

why parents (seemingly) cant understand us?
why cant they just leave us alone?
why wont they support us whatsoever?
why are they (seemingly) blocking us away from our dreams?

because...
THEY ARE PARENTS!!
thats what they do!

see, as a newcomer in the maturehood, i realize one thing, the older you get, the more experience you have.

think of our younger brother or sister, do they know as much as we do? mostly, no.

except your bro or sis is a kind of super smart kid, thats a totally different case.

so the point is, our parents know more than us. they've seen a lot more than us.

as a matter of fact, they were once young just like us! and we've never been as old as they are, right?
so they know exactly what is going on in our mind. moreoverly, we're their children, so we're 80% alike to them.

they just dont want us to make the same mistake just as they did. they are PROTECTING US!

and we see it as, what? silly rules they made up themselves?

dont be stupid.

dont blame them for being protective cause thats an instinct. even cats do the same.

dont blame them for being hard on you cause they do it out of love.

dont blame them for confronting and embarass you in front of your friends cause otherwise, you wont listen to them.

dont blame them for small pocketmoney, cause you dont know just how hard they work for it.

dont blame them for not buying you things you want so bad right away, cause they dont want you to be a sad spoiled kid.

dont blame them for being angry at your bad grades cause they are expecting the best from you.

dont.ever. blame them for being your parents, cause believe it or not, they've never once regretted having you as their kid!!!!

FOREVER YOUNG

"...forever young... we wanna be forever young..."
know that song? no? too bad.

everyone wants to be forever young. never gets old and living each day with no worries.

little do they know, being forever young is not entirely good.

i have an autism sister. she got this dislexia and i think her doctor said that there's something wrong with her cromosome (i dont know what that is).
all i know is that she has more cromosome than we, normal people have.
this abnormalities make learning and acting normal hard for her. she doesnt grow up like any other girl.

so my sister is mentally forever young.

she cant do certain things by herself. someone has to help her (with a lot of patience) to do something. especially things related to school lessons. she goes to special school, and cant be treated based on her age.

she is 14 this year but she acts like an 8 years old girl. my parents used to blame themself for her abnormality. but then they realized that she is not a mistake, not a burden. she is a miracle.

even though she has this messy moods (just like mine multiplied by two), oftenly gets tantrum if she eats too much sugar, and will forever be a young girl, as her family we never once ashamed or burdened for having her.

she is difficult, she tests our patience everyday, she gets angry easily, she is my sister! the only sister i have.

i often sad because people dont understand her situation. she likes to play with little kids. but she is kind of big, taller than me, so people usually afraid of letting their kids playing with her. they are afraid she'll abuse them or something.

i always wanna scream into their earlobes
" my sister is harmless! she is special and she only wants to make friends!"

i wanna pull out their hair and slap them!!!

she can only grow old but not grow up. that is not her fault. she will forever be a young girl.

now, do you still wanna be forever young? 

Bragging

few days ago, my friend told me that he is handling one big project. so I asked him what was that.
he said : " i'm handling a 20 million rupiahs worth project. great, isn't it? I mean, I am only 21 and my boss lets me handle this HUGE project."

uh-huh. brag much?

well maybe because that was his first multi million rupiahs project. so I went all smooth on him. I answered with exactly what he expected: " OMG that is super cool! congrats, man. you must be busy now. why don't you stop calling me and start to work on that? you might wont handle any projects aside of this if you mess this one up."

oooh... what a good friend am I? <----- also bragging

and yet, he answered me with the most annoying answer I could think of.
he said: " look, I know you are smart. why don't you go back to college and getting a degree so you can get a job like me and handle your own multi million worth project? I think its a shame that you dropped your chance of getting A BETTER LIFE like that. any DEGREE-LESS PEOPLE wont get this kind of job, less, getting trusted enough for this kind of project. "

so my life is not good enough, according to him.

Man, you know what? I hate to brag back but he really got me on my nerves.

so I told him the truth:
"dude, i'm sorry but I gotta tell you this. I had my very first project at the age of 17. I made my own catering company, sent proposals, joined the tender bid, made the contract, managed the project, and successfully fulfilled the contract, all by myself and my employees. and that was a 210 millions rupiahs worth project. you can ask my parents if you don't believe me. or should I show you the contract? I have 10 employees and I didn't brag to you at all. or underestimated you for being an undergraduate that time. moreover judged you, unlike you who has just judged me wrongly. I might look young, well I am young. but what you are bragging to me now, I've done it years ago. I am 4 steps ahead of you, and will always be if you keep on being a small minded, oblivious kind of guy."

he was quite for a moment and said : " you don't have to BRAG about it, bitch." and he hung up the phone.

mmmm....?

I felt bad, really. I didn't mean to do that but I was pretty offended. and I got a nasty temper so.... it was just sort of happened.

that is why I hate it when people ask me about:
1. my job
2. why I am no longer going to college
3. my age

because it turns out that those 3 things mixed, trigger stupid conclusions:

Hiira is an oblivious, liar, delusional, unexperienced, poor little girl.

am I?

Bashing, Comment War, and Freaky Fans

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

I commented at a video of a contestant of Indonesian Idol 2014, and was accused for bashing that guy. his fans were went all mad at me and that actually made my comment being the top comment hahahahahahaha.

really, guys. I did that out of fun. I just wanted to say something (bad) to random people.
but his fans are so funny, though! really. some of their comments are way too serious for something I did plain for fun.
I don't even watch the show, for God's sake. hahahahahahahaha.

this is what Frosty Jack replied to me:
"and what is so 'keren' about your comments? no reason (bashing people is unreasonable), no prove (if he's bad he would not be in the spectacular), no quality (asking somebody to kick him out of stage) and if i ask you if you can perform like him, the answer is a big NO."

hahahahahahah, Jack, don't go all preachy on me.

but honestly, this kind of reply is what I am looking for. lets have a comment war!!!

watch the video here: Ubay Indonesian Idol 2014

see the comments too lol

Sarcasm, witty comments, and my favorite books.

hi?

okay this is awkward. been a year and 2 months though.
got no time, sorry.

can I start? okay? thanks.

the last time I wrote, I was following my friend's advice for NOT BEING TOO SARCASTIC. that worked for like.... 2 freaking days. I know, people were nicer for two days. i mean, who wouldn't be nice with a girl who wears silly smiles all the time? but people are also nice to those smiling autism kids, right?
and THAT WAS STUPID.

so I keep on going with my sarcasm and that actually helps me sane.
yeah, I got excessive sarcasm here in my tummy. I am fat of sarcasm. gotta get rid of it.


know what? someone wrote on twitter that  sarcastic people tends to be smarter than other people.

hell yeah. I knew it! lol I mean you cant be dumb if you wanna turn back people's comments with style and wit. right?

I loooove sarcasm to the core, I unconsciously picked books that is full of witty comments from the characters.  hahahahahaha okay I totally love vampire academy.

oh whatever, I'm writing this out of randomness. so bye.